I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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