between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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