Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
