when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
