I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
