New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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