Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
