Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
