hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Randomize