If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize