I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
