I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize