Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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