Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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