now i know why i became what i already was.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
