Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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