I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I need a burrito and a hug.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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