I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
