Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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