I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
that may or may not have been my penis.
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