Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
