It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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