I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
