i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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