Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize