I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
