last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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