i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
