The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
oh god was she eating orange peels again
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
