is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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