i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
