i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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