I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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