New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Randomize
