plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
