id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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