Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
