i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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