So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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