My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
