The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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