I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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