just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
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