hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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