I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Randomize
