she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
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