I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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