You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
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