Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
