stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
