i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
