my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize