I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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