Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
