it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
