eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
