It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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