Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
