No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Randomize
