i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
